Spitting from the Podium and Contraceptive Deletives

Picture Of Ortho Tri-Cyclen oral contraceptives with Ortho Dialpak dispensers (photo taken by self). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I remember when a politician would no more say the word “contraceptive” than spit from the podium. I’m beginning to think that the sexual freedom climate, and the freedom to use words like “contraceptive” in public places is more than half-way down the slippery slope we all heard predicted in the 70’s and 80’s from fuddie-duddies and fundamentalists.

The sexual revolution produced an amazing array of sexually transmitted diseases. This means that the little monsters and body snatchers have come out with a vengeance like zombies in a low-budget horror flick. AIDS? Herpes? HPV? PID? HIV? LGV?

The sexual revolution created a massive devaluation of personhood! It cheapened a sacred and powerful God-given urge. I’ve said since High School that the greatest disease of the sexual revolution is hardening of the heart, i.e. an increasing inability to give your heart away. The hurt and calluses, scar tissue and numbness, not to mention the vast number of dumb relationships that form and vast numbers of children harmed by the lack of stable and loving homes, has hardened our hearts and made us less able to have sensitivity to others.

God tells us that if we have sex we become “one” with her (him). In other words, we give our hearts away. Sure, the heart can heal over time, but with increasing sexual activity outside of marriage the heart becomes less involved. The body becomes a machine, efficient, not giving away too much so it hurts much less when rejection strikes. Pandered words like:

• “contraception.”
• “It’s just a biological function.
• “It’s just sex.”
• “It’s just two people doing what is natural.”

remind us daily (hourly?) that sex isn’t anything that special.

Planned Parenthood gives these guidelines about sex:

• “Both people should want to have sex.”
• “Use birth control … “
• “Be clear with each other about what you do and don’t want to do”

– emotions? bonding? heartaches? honor? Planned Parenthood says nothing of these.

The sexual revolution demands a symbol, and it is “The Pill.” For the past fifty years the pill has split off thoughts of giving life from sex. A life-giving, sacramental activity, becomes nothing deeper than two junkyard cats howling in the night. Experts reassure us that superficial is OK, but superficial becomes old and wrinkly, the heart, callused and brittle, and love, artificial. Sex is about the moment. Who cares about the future? Take “the pill.” Lust warps our love without a concern for consequences or improving the lot of the other because “the pill” seems like a perfect “solution.”

The slippery slope is saying, “Give me your lusty, needy, lonely, downtrodden, and let them have sex to cover their pain.” We are more than half-way down it, and what astounds me is the gall to perpetuate sexual freedom myths without the balls to talk about the real problems.

I disagree somewhat with the Catholic church about contraceptives. I have no problem with insurance companies paying for contraceptives, but forcing them to go against their sacred beliefs about oneness, life-giving, sacramental and God-centered beliefs is astounding!  The core problem isn’t the prevention of babies, nor the prevention of STD’s, but the problem of fractured hearts and lonely, wrinkled, hopeless, non-sacramental people (what the Catholic Church’s sees happening because of the sexual revolution).

Isn’t the President giving the wrong side of “hope” here?

• I hope I don’t get pregnant?
• I hope I use the right contraceptive?
• I hope this prophylactic works? (Anybody still know what that is???)
• I hope somebody will pay for my sexual freedom?

The right side of sex is “I’m becoming a greater person with this person at my side! I’m helping him/her become more valuable, more loved, more whole! I’m committing my heart, soul, mind, AND body to him/her.

The problem with the contraception controversy is that the band-aid isn’t big enough. Paying for contraceptives to explore the dangerous world of sexual promiscuity without talking about the heart-breaking consequences tells us how far we’ve come down the slippery slope! Seems like we have a society whose heart is hardening. I’d rather see the President spit! 

Eph. 4:17-19 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

Christmas Rituals Promoting Healthy Relationships

Image via Wikipedia

The way a family works out what happens around the holidays either helps or hurts family relationships. Cued into this dynamic from my counseling classes, Rhonda and I decided before we went through the first Christmas together to celebrate without extended family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We wanted our family boundaries to stay firm. We definitely wanted to get together with our extended families sometime during the season, and fortunately, both sets of relatives went along. As my parent’s health declined in their seventies and eighties we included them in our Christmas celebration, too.

Gift opening is an interesting indicator. Does your family value the gift or the giver of the gift? Do people wait for others to open gifts so that all share in and celebrate? If Christmas is about people, wait for others. If Christmas is about the materialistic, treat gift opening like a shark feeding frenzy!

Eating rituals contain relationship building events or not. Children should see people modeling good relationships around the dinner table as people share food, exhibit others-affirming manners, and engage in robust conversation. When the TV blares in the background, dinner has no clear-cut start or end, and a grazing, buffet-style individualism children catch the feeling that adults don’t care and “I’d-better-grab-something-for-myself” attitude.

Christmas contains incredible mystery and sacramental possibilities. Sacramental simply means, “revealing God.” The mystery of Christmas is, of course, God becoming man in bodily form in the person of Jesus Christ.

• How many of our family rituals reveal this mystery? 
• Is the Christmas story in Matthew or Luke read aloud together?
• Are Christmas carols sung or heard, or do you have the secular songs about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer or last year she dumped me at Christmas?
• Do elves or cartoon characters predominate the Christmas decorations, or do the decorations display the mystery of angels, manger, and historical people in the Christmas story?
• Do you pray for the gospel of peace, from the Prince of Peace, to cover the earth, and fill your hearts with His joy?
• Do you invite those who have no family in town to join with your family at some point in the season?

Image via Wikipedia

Some families go to Christmas plays at church, attend Christmas Eve or Christmas Day worship, or hear Handel‘s “Messiah” together. Somehow this Christmas ritual seems right as it gathers people from many walks of life and not perpetuating an individualistic, egoistic, unhealthy seclusion. Walking from store to store in the crowded mall with “Holiday” music playing just doesn’t build healthy, relationship-building rituals.

However, as a Dad who does not like shopping, I re-started a ritual this year. I took our youngest (14) to the mall with his friends and another dad. We shopped for the requisite 90 minutes, then headed to a burger joint. We sat together, laughed, told jokes, and ate for almost an hour. For me, spending time with my son and interacting with his friends and the other dad felt sacramental. God was with us. I enjoyed God’s gift of my son who for 2.5 hours gave me great joy in this city of secularization.

Can a Bad Marriage Be Saved?

I’m one of those nerds who thinks marriage is great, and any two people can work out anything if they try. I’m also one of those realists that doesn’t deny the work involved in a good marriage.

As a counselor and pastor I’ve seen my share of troubles in marriage. In our own marriage, earlier this year, we stumbled across a book by John Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” We walked through the first five chapters together on a long car ride, and did the worksheets at the end of each chapter. The feelings we had ranged from relief/mushy to tense/harsh. We realized we needed that kind of tough conversation, and the book provided the perfect path to follow!

Just last night we got wrapped around one of our typical language barriers. She was speaking a language I couldn’t follow. Though as clear as day, I speak man-ish for my first language, and English is my second language. I’m not as fluent in Female-ish, but do pretty well. I packed away the leftovers from supper. I looked at the broth in the bottom of the crock pot to which Rhonda said, “That juice would make a good broth for soup.”

I thought, “She’s right.”

Then, she said, “I’ll do the dishes in the morning.”

I thought, “Great, I can leave the dishes. How nice!” So, I got another project going out of the kitchen.

About an hour later, I heard Rhonda say, “You didn’t put the broth away. I’ll just do it. (Big sigh!)”

I answered, “You didn’t ask me to put the broth away.” Immediately, she argued that she did, and for the next ten minutes we dissected, quite vigorously, the various nuances of meaning and tone that indicated she actually did ask me to put away the broth. I agree, I should have put it away, but my poor-Female-ish did not register the request. Thank goodness we had John Gottman’s book behind us to help with the “dissection” of the language barrier!

I’ve used another tool successfully over the years. The Prepare-Enrich Inventory is a classic answer to the biggest questions in marriages. I won’t go into details about it, but the results of a recent study are astounding. The results prove that MOST MARRIAGES can grow in intimacy and love if the couple is willing to work at it, listen to each other, value one another, and put aside those minor things that seem to become majors so rapidly.

If you are having some marriage trouble go to the Prepare-Enrich website. Find a trained counselor in your area to administer it. Then, ask if they use any of Gottman’s material. That combination trumps any language barrier! You’ll be glad you did!

Find the complete study at http://hosting.fyleio.com/13756/public/pe_program_successful_longview_texas_2011.pdf

Recent Love Developments

Being in love is a very good feeling. I think it is from God. I see love’s great feelings from page one in the Bible. First, God: “and it was good…and it was VERY good!” He was “in love” with his creation. Then, Adam exclaimed when he saw Eve, ‘bone of my bone!’”

Now that I have kids of my own, I get to watch them navigate the reefs and rocks of that exceptionally powerful feeling. I’ve explained so often to them that “in love” is really “in lust” and as a biologist, I know that hormones have shot through their bodies. Romance is all about hormones, but it’s good, and wonderful, and causes couples to shout, “bone of my bone!” You get the picture!

So, when my kids are in that mix I think back to what have Rhonda and I done to prepare them for what could be “hormonal hell.”

From a young age we did not encourage our kids to pair off with little boyfriends or girlfriend (we have one boy). Instead, we taught that they should have lots of friends and that marriage is sacred, special, and very difficult. The epitome of our children’s future wasn’t getting married, having sex, or having children. We tried to reinforce other lofty goals such as having a real relationship with God, college, many friends, and blessing others. Rhonda and I modeled the fact that marriage is sacred and modeled its difficulties all too often.

We did not encourage dating. Dating according to Donald Joy from Asbury Seminary is a ritual destined for hormonal excitement and heightened transference and unrealistic expectations. We asked our girls to read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” by Josh Harris. While reading they discovered that dating is pretty selfish, and love is best defined by 1 Corinthians 13. We encouraged having male friends who were “healthy” not just “Christian” because we knew that “Christian” doesn’t always relate to “healthy.”

When the Prom came around for our oldest I threw a fit. I really don’t like prom, and all the junk that happens there. My wife overruled me. The daughter went alone. The other girls have gone to the Prom, too, but the behavior of some of the dancers, the partiers, and those who are just plain immature turns them off. They know that the life at the Prom is a sham. It‘s not real life and the real thing is better.

They’ve experienced great friendships with other guys. They grew up with a couple of families with lots of boys. They have great cousins who modeled good healthy behavior. They understood the difference between showing off and trying to be authentic no matter the cost to their popularity. I have said so many times, “Learn how to be friends. Your husband/wife is your best friend. Go out in groups. Guys and good conversation generally matures about age 25!”

The other day, at last count, I now have two daughters who seem to have found that friend. My new reality is different from teaching or helping to control impulses. Now, I sit outside the stadium of love, and trust that the game going on inside has two champions, two heroes, and God is at work to make two teams one. I can’t say I’m not afraid. These are scary times. God help the USA, but God definitely help in the biggest game of life for my two daughters!

In the Moment: a Follow Up to Yesterday’s Blog

Yesterday, I tried to live in the moment. It was a day to recuperate, write, exercise, study, make phone calls, run errands, but few people to see.

Denard Robinson "in the moment"

At 6:20 I woke to have my QT. Sounds great, but I’m reading through Ezekiel, a tough read! I really need to focus to hear God’s voice through that Wild Man Prophet.

At 6:45 I went outside to get the newspaper and began getting ready for a bike ride that never came. I couldn’t find a few pieces of equipment so wandered through the house and garage looking. Since I was trying to live “in the moment” I didn’t panic or complain. I took a detour, answered about ten emails, wrote in my journal, read and studied, and wrote my list of things to do for the week, so that by 8:40 I had decided that rest was just as essential as exercise. I took a nap!

At 10:30, I emailed Rhonda to let her know I could come out to her school to study in the afternoon if she wanted me. Of course, she wanted me! I now had about two hours to get some things done around the house. I mowed the lawn, washed dishes, fixed a couple of broken things as I puttered through each moment. Even though I was “getting something done” I stressed a couple of times about “not getting anything done” meaning, my big projects, those “big linebackers pawing across the line on Tuesday and Wednesday” kept trying to distract me.

At 1:30, I ate some great leftovers for lunch, showered, and headed out to the library to meet Rhonda. On the way, my best friend from High School, Dave Hodson called, so we had a quick catch up on the last couple of months. I had started to listen to a Joyce Meyer podcast on “Improving Your Mental Health”, but “in the moment” I let Dave in, and loved the encouragement he gave. We reviewed the Michigan game from Saturday, and spoke of future victories for the Brady Hoke team, but in true Michigan fan pessimism we hedged our bets on a winning season. That was definitely an “out of the moment” moment as we fretted about the future.

Rhonda and I sat together for a couple of hours studying, reading, and interrupting each other’s focus with tidbits of conversation. I was trying to write and gather my thoughts about Christian community, but she kept breaking my moment! Or was she “my in the moment” moment? She was the moment! So, we talked.

I left her at 4:45 to head home to pick up Nathan from swimming and fix dinner. We don’t eat out often! The food’s not as healthy, and the cost is way too unhealthy. I thought of what Nathan would like, and planned a spaghetti dinner. I cooked while Nathan did some homework. We ate pretty quickly, cleaned the kitchen so Rhonda would shower praise on us when we came home, and then, Nathan remembered he needed both lunch and a breakfast packed for tomorrow. He swims at 5:00 am on Tuesdays. Rather than complain, we were “in the moment” putting aside our agenda and made breakfast and lunch. Once we started working it went by fast. He did most of the work.

We settled down for a movie about 8:00. Rather than running out to Redbox we found a movie through our cable internet subscription. It was great, a little violent and cussy, but a great story and acting. At 9:00, Nathan paused the movie and went to bed.

So, Rhonda came home, saw the clean kitchen, showered praise on us, and kissed Nathan good night. We talked a little, sat at the kitchen table doing our writing and homework, and crawled into bed about 11:30.

Stress is always just around the corner if I let it. Today WAS a productive day. I didn’t get much done on my list, but at least I HAVE A LIST. I have some priorities for the week, I’m rested and ready for the next linebacker who breaks through the line to get me today.

Mad and Glad This Week

Things that Made me Mad This Week

1. A person who claims to be a compassionate liberal person but labeled all Republicans heartless bigots
2. All the hype against the Death Penalty in the case of the convicted murderer from Georgia, but people didn’t know there were 34 eye-witnesses including three Air Force people who saw the whole thing from the drive thru.
3. Fixing a toilet only to find out the old supply line was too short for the new toilet
4. I didn’t get a chance to ride my bike this week.
5. Three communication problems with Rhonda that were dumb and simple but blew up because words mean different things to us.
6. People leaving churches
7. Struggling to have my QT
8. Remembering a difficult relationship situation that never resolved itself.

Getting Ready for the Big Game at the Big House...HA!

Things that Made me feel good this week

1. Seeing Ken and Marsha White in Ann Arbor and LAUGHING!
2. An upsurge in clients
3. A great worship service
4. A letter from my daughter
5. Time to work out differences with Rhonda who forgives and forgets
6. Three long walks
7. Finding out that Rhonda will be able to graduate in three semesters and not in four from ETSU.
8. Our drive to Ann Arbor only took 8.75 hours.
9. Two nights of great sleep.
10. Seeing my weight stay off.
11. Prayer on Sunday to not be afraid to think differently

Things that made me wonder this week

1. Rob Bell’s announcement he is leaving Mars Hill by year-end.
2. Why 50% of cars in our region don’t have working turn signals
3. Why Chick-Fil-A at lunch has massive lines of cars waiting in the drive thru and ninety % are women alone in their cars.
4. If the bumper sticker “COEXIST” is really a loudspeaker type message to Christians to abandon claims that Christ alone is the way of life and to God.

The Affair that Kills

Marriages are in trouble. Relationships are in trouble. And Killer Affairs are like the flu virus–everywhere, in the air, in a handshake.

But affairs usually aren’t what kills the relationship. Loneliness is the culprit. The aching of the human heart is so ready to absorb the human vibes of another. Loneliness hurts. The attention of another person switches off the pain. An affair is most often the result of two busy people having less time to switch off the loneliness of the heart.

An affair doesn’t solve much for long.

A marriage is usually broken long before the affair, and repairing the break takes specific actions from both partners. After an affair, the feelings of betrayal, shame, inadequacy, rejection, and grief blow two people from their moorings. However, most likely, those moorings were an illusion. Two people may have gone on for a long time without much intimacy or spark to cement the relationship to the emotional breakwater.

The movie “Fireproof” shows the husband’s affair with pornography. He shows his wife very little attention. Thus, affairs exist with jobs, hobbies, entertainment, sports, friends, or addictions. If a child dies, the overpowering grief becomes the third-party in the marriage, often causing a negative emotional affair with that powerful emotion. Again, more attention is given to the other than to the partner.

Though you have probably heard the words, “Affair Proof You Marriage,” there is no guarantee. We are all broken and sinful creatures governed by selfishness and our impulses. What we do need to do is wake up to the truth about our marriages. We need to admit we need help. Ask yourself these questions:

• Is it boring?
• Am I lonely?
• Do I wonder if he/she is more interested in someone else than me?
• Am I jealous of someone or something in his/her life?
• How many times in the past week did I show affection to him/her?

Did you answer “Yes” to any of these?

For all couples, not just those where loneliness is high, I highly recommend John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” His research verifying his approach is a bright star in the marriage repair business. My wife and I have personally benefited from reading this book together. Along with following the easy and fun exercises in Gottman’s book, I highly recommend finding a pastor or counselor trained to administer the “Prepare-Enrich Inventory.” These two tools will be a huge boost to putting the spark and intimacy back into your relationship before the affair virus replicates itself in your heart and soul.

Should You Leave the PCUSA?

Please listen to this interview with two other ministers. Please click HERE on this link to hear the interview. Some are saying the audio is soft so turn up your speakers or wear head phones!

This recording is of two ministers and me discussing the latest vote in the PCUSA. That vote was to remove a clause in the ordination vow for all ministers which included chastity and if married, fidelity. In the late 90′s, some felt it necessary to insert the clause, yet the Bible and standards of conduct for ministers already have this prohibition in them. Some have taken liberty with the removal of the fidelity clause to think it means a reinterpretation of marriage to include homosexuality or to include practicing homosexuals as ordained ministers. We need

A view from the beach toward Lake Huron at Cedar Campus (MI).

to see options at this time since some PCUSA churches and members consider pulling out of their home church or denomination the only option. As we were recording (outdoors, by Lake Huron, on a picnic table) Jon Opgenorth, a minister in the Reformed Church in America, joined us.

Happy 50th!

To the one who keeps telling everyone it is her 50th,

I say, “Keep it a secret. It’ll be a bigger surprise

When no one sees 60 coming your way either!”

The students in Belarus couldn’t believe you were forty–

“Youthful,” they said.

The years are kind to you.

Only one injury nags you,

that darn

touch-your-toes-to-the-side

leap off a porch

when you landed on your tailbone.

I utterly spit on that moment in time.

It haunts you still.

Aside from that the years go softly.

Bravely, weathering, with the old man you married,

advancing against the foes and dangers like Joan of Arc,

singing lullabies in the morning still,

undaunted by the threats of the same old sister or the

three girls you love. Singing on, more than the first line,

the whole dang song to thousands of country western, rock, hymns, and now,

Mark Lowry’s, “Water, Water.”

So, fifty. Nothing beats making it to the mid-century mark,

and with brains and body intact, “Oh my!”.

Your life is weighed in the balance lightly, joyfully,

Spreading joy and hope missing in most at fifty.

Artsy, suprisingness, school girl restart, what more can you do?

Go on, I say. Go on! To one hundred.

Batten down the hatches. Damn the hot dogs.

Go forth with boldness. Your common sense, your Jesus sense,

that righteous, justice, God-ward-going-sense,

emboldened by life’s lessons, and zest,

and that “Je ne sais qua,” to push onward.

May I go with you, adventurous one?

Happy Birthday, to the one whose secret is no more!

Be fifty, boldly, proudly, as I am of you!

Pastor Smith Reads Pagan Christianity

A friend of Pastor Smith’s handed him a red covered book, and said, “You might like this. Just ignore my underlining.” With that Pastor Smith’s journey into never, never land began. The book was Pagan Christianity, by Frank Viola. He read and felt like his job was threatened. He wandered through the arguments for house churches, and knew in his heart that simpler was better. He asked Mattie, his wife, “But what do we do with the building and all the people who like the way it is?”

He read Viola’s passion and anger at the way Constantine introduced pagan rituals, buildings, and practices to Christians. He took a step back because of that anger. He told an elder, “I feel like my world’s been shaken, but I need to let the dust settle before making a decision.” Pastor Smith mentioned he was reading this book in a sermon only to have Mrs. Bewley and Ronnie Tempest ask him separately if this Pagan Christianity means, “…we won’t be celebrating Christmas around here anymore?”

With great speed Pastor Smith changed the Sunday night service into a kind of house church within First Church. He broke the fifty or so people into small groups each week. He let the singing be Spirit-led, that is, the music was chosen by the people. He taught a little and then let the people discuss the text. Several weeks in a row, he had people talk about what God was doing in their lives, but that lasted only about an average of ten minutes before someone brought up an ache or a pain which spun the group down “illness of the week” reporting. Overall, Pastor Smith started to see his Sunday night crowd get closer and start doing some homework before coming. He assigned reading week by week, but something more was missing!

Viola had talked about communion being surrounded by a feast in the early church so Pastor Smith announced a potluck dinner the next Sunday night with communion. “Make it simple so you don’t spend your whole afternoon cooking,” he announced. By this time the folks were sure this “Pagan Christianity” kick was sticking, and not so outrageous. Communion was louder than some expected, but Pastor Smith had each group serve each other, then talk about what Jesus death meant to them. The feelings were so intense he felt like singing, “Kum Ba Yah, Ma Lord.” Of course, a couple of older folks told each other it was just a fad and would go away, but the two college children of Elder Johnson who were visiting from school loved it! They told their dad to have Pastor Smith do it again!

Through the years of his ministry Pastor Smith had attended conferences and read books to seek a secret weapon for making ministry easier or more effective. Sure, he could count about forty people in the last five years who said they had never read the Bible like this before, or another dozen or so who had dramatic conversions, but on the whole, everyone seemed to be about the same. Without changing the whole church, or packing up his office and taking down his ordination certificate, Pastor Smith decided that Pagan Christianity was right, but not all right. Those fifty or so folks on Sunday night were having a little revival. He thought he’d let them spread the word about a house church within a church-church if these changes were real.